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The Compulsive Talker
August 6th, 2009 in Relationships
I hold the phone far away from my ear, somehow thinking if I do this the other person will know what I’m doing and stop talking. They don’t! Words are flung at me at a rapid pace, drilling down into tiny details, with the compulsive talker unaware of my frustration at the other end. They are comfortable with my slight mumblings or silence.
I would occasionally interject a thought and there would be quiet at the other end, may be they are listening, yet as soon as I take a breath, they pick up exactly where they left off. If they do take in what I’ve said, they are off on a tangent with their thoughts about the subject. This is not fair and I hate this experience.
What I love is a lively conversation, even if we are interrupting each other, bouncing back and forth adding tidbits of ideas, sharing experiences, and all the time listening to the other person and at a moment’s notice can stop and be present to them. It’s beautiful to receive and to give the gift of listening.
When I’m on with the compulsive talker, no one is present as both of us are in our own worlds. We are not listening to each other.
A half and hour later I finally hang up the phone and say aloud to myself, “I’m fine too.” It’s my way of recognizing the other person didn’t even ask how I was doing. Relieved I’m no longer cornered by their words I try to shake off the negative feelings within me. There must be a better way.
I believe that I am in charge of my reactions, so I start to process just what happened. I sat on the phone listening to a person drill down into every single detail of their lives…their children or grandchildren, work, their feelings, complaints and the list goes on. I’ve cleaned the kitchen, straighten up the papers on my desk, read my email and did whatever I could to distract myself from the experience.
Why do I stay on the phone? They are good people, I have a history with them and am not ready to relinquish the relationship. We all use our friends to share our experiences and help us sort through an issue in our lives. What frustrates me is the friend whose motor starts and they don’t know how to stop it. I’ve always wondered whether they would be great writers because their tenacity for details is incredible.
I don’t want to subject myself to another marathon of words, so how do I deal with issue going forward?
I’ve decided I wasn’t going to speak on the phone as much. I’ve noticed that face-to-face interaction with compulsive talkers works better because they receive feedback. It may not stop the behavior but at least lessens the duration of the experience.
They can bring fun times with them, but I do know that their compulsive behavior will surface, so I limit the time we spend together, and I don’t build up a reservoir of frustration with this person.
Finally, if I choose to be with them or talk on the phone, I surround us both with a circle of love. I take responsibility for creating an atmosphere that supports my well-being.
Relationships are important to me and over the years I’ve learned that it’s a balancing act between loving the other person as they are and insuring my own well-being.
6 Responses to “The Compulsive Talker”
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August 10th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I have been married to a compulsive talker for 29 years. NOTHING shuts him up! If you try to interrupt, he talks louder, when he is nervous or anxious he talks faster. He doesn’t seem to “hear” other people making comments or trying to get into the conversation, he doesn’t notice people rolling their eyes at him or trying to get away, he just keeps talking.
The conversations are almost always about himself or his accomplishments.
We have had so many arguments about this during our marriage. I cannot get through to him, he refuses to “listen.”
Our social life has declined drastically over the years. I don’t invite anyone new over or participate in social engagements. We only see people that already know us or that are relatives that know what they are getting into.
In every other way he is a wonderful hardworking man who is devoted to me. He served 22 years in the Military and would give anyone the shirt off his back.
August 16th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Sounds like through all of the trials and tribulations of living with a compulsive talker you care for this man. You see his goodness which says something about you.
When we decide to stay with a partner, even when they have a challenging issue, we need friends around to make connections with and share ourselves. I hope that you have done that for yourself.
Pat
August 24th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
This is a great site that you have here. I have a blog myself where anyone can freely express their opinion on controversial topics. After looking at your site, I know that you have some valuable insight that you can share with us.
Keep up the good work. Maybe we can do a link exchange.
Sincerely,
Jason
October 21st, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Jason
Thanks for visiting. I hope you enjoy blogging as much as I do.
Pat
December 21st, 2009 at 12:52 am
I met a man through an online dating forum. In writing, he expressed himself intelligently, thoughtfully & in fact beautifully. In speaking by phone the first time he kept me on the phone for over an hour, with a talking ratio of 95% (him) to 5% (me). Later by email he apologized and I ended up giving him credit for having insight & decided to accept a date. I rationalized that maybe he was just lonely. We dated for about 2 weeks but his pattern of compulsive talking seemed hard-wired. This was a highly educated gentleman with a tremendous work history and professional credentials. He employed an impressive vocabulary. Yet this incessant talk drove me mad. It created tension, was a barrier to any possibility of intimacy and ultimately was mind-numbingly boring. I felt trapped and angry every time he regaled me. His experience seemed quite the opposite. I observed a rapt expression on his face. Clearly he derived joy from his own monologues, oblivious to the effect they had on me.
When I broke things off he wanted to know why and I simply said that I couldn’t feel toward him what I wanted to feel, leaving it like that. Maybe I should been more honest & told him the truth…that his excessive talking made me miserable. But I was loathe to be rude.
My advice: stay closely tuned to your own responses & when things don’t feel right, trust your gut and protect your boundaries. I allowed this man to take my time, energy and good will a lot longer than I should have.
May 8th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
I have a friend who is a compulsive talker and is aware of the problem. I literally have felt like my ear was going to melt off after listening to her tangents for 20 or minutes without a break. I would sit the phone down and go get something to drink only to return with her still talking. What’s worse is that these chronic talkers end up telling you the same stories over and over as if they are using you as a sound board to resolve some deep seeded issue…only it doesn’t ever get resolved. I don’t know what the cure is for these types of people but I do know that I have to protect myself and my energy regardless of whether she gets the hint or not. She often says well that’s just the way I am. Ok then, I will be the one to decide whether to end the friendship or just keep enabling her bad habit.
Either way, intentional or unintentional, I feel like my good listening nature is being abused. It is a sort of abuse of a person’s kindness when you completely hog a conversation..it’s like you just can’t get off the freakin stage, and let’s face it..no one likes to see the same actor on stage doing the same monologue over and over again. It’s boring and a waste of time!!