Do You Feel That People Don’t Listen To You?

I have felt not listened to for a significant part of my life.   For example, if I were speaking, someone would interrupt me with their thoughts.  I would either sit quietly or as the years went on get angry.  Neither one of these solutions actually made me feel better.  In fact, I usually felt worse. 

Since this was happening to me for many years, I eventually had to ask myself, “What am I doing to elicit this type of response from others?”   That’s not an easy question since it is easier to blame the other person then to accept responsibility for my own feelings.  It wasn’t a quick “aha”, but rather an evolution over many years, slowly becoming aware of my thoughts and behaviors and the message I was sending out to others.  

For a long time hiding and letting others do the talking, having the limelight was just fine by me.   Over the years, I started to sense that always listening was just not working for me.  Yet, I didn’t know how to go about this effectively so I shuffled between being quiet to being angry.   

Feeling ignored was no longer comfortable for me, so I had to find a solution.   The real solution was for me to start listening to myself.  I’ve learned to sit with myself and acknowledge my own feelings, to honor my wants, celebrate who I was and what I bring to life.    There is still more learning and I look forward to it. This is what has helped me:

• August 1999 I picked up the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.   I’ve read and reread her book many times, consuming her words seeking answers.  I made a commitment to do the daily pages every day, and except for a 3-month hiatus, have done them regularly.   It was critical for me to get to know myself and writing privately every day guided me to where I am today.
• Meditate – after writing, I meditate and sit quietly with myself.
• I started to listen to my body, what was it saying to me.   This took time because I was resistant to being present with my feelings…they weren’t always pretty.  I generally have a long ‘to do’ list and that keeps me busy.   Though as this point in my life, I accept my feelings, knowing they are indicators of what I truly need to do.

So how do I now deal with someone not listening to me?

• By recognizing that other people’s behaviors have nothing to do with me.   They don’t love me less or more, but rather they are just in their own head.
• If it’s important for me to continue with what I was saying, then I say, “I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and I just need a few minutes to complete my thoughts.”
• Lots of times it’s fun to be with others, interrupting, sharing, lots a fun energy and I’m not worried about being “listened to.”
• If I have this feeling that others are ignoring me, then I need to sit with myself and ask how I’m not listening to myself.   In the end it is all about what I’m doing to myself.  Actually, more like what I’m not doing for myself.
• If I’m with someone who just can’t listen to me, I eventually make the decision that this person is not the right relationship for me.  Relationships are mutual.
• I trust that when I’m listening to myself, I’m more available to hear others.

How do you listen to yourself?  

Pat
“To fully enjoy the ‘richness’ of our lives, we need to stop long enough to visit with ourselves.”
(Pat Brill)